Miscarriage is hard.
Five years ago, I had a miscarriage. Had I written this when the miscarriage happened, it would read differently. For me, understanding trickled in as time passed and God's plan began unfolding in my life.
Truth is, I never pictured myself as a mother.
Call me crazy, but I didn't spend my nights dreaming of wearing the perfect wedding gown while marrying my knight and shining armor. Nor did I dream of the day my children would come into this world, filling me with love and making me complete.
Don't get me wrong, I believe that path is perfect for many women and I'm happy for them. But, that's not me. I never really enjoyed babysitting or even holding friend's children. Feelings of awkwardness washed over me.
As the years past, I started thinking about whether I would ever be cut out to be a mother. That was about the time we decided that if it was part of God's plan, we would be happy to honor it. After becoming pregnant for the first time, it wasn't the labor that scared me most. Most of the fear came with the thought of bringing a newborn baby home and not knowing what to do. Could it be possible that motherly instinct really exists? I had no way of knowing until the day came. Truth be told, nine months later, motherly instinct hits. Feelings of relief wash over me, it really does exist. I didn't know I was capable of producing this kind of love.
My miscarriage happened during my second pregnancy
Twenty-two months after the birth of my son, we prepared for baby number two. After seeing the tiny heartbeat, confidence rose, we were in the clear. At least that's what we thought. Abnormal test results, resulted in more tests. The wait is grueling.
Another ultrasound confirms our suspicions, the partially molar pregnancy is not viable. At twelve weeks, we no longer have the baby news we hoped to share with family and friends.
During moments of silence, I sometimes feel the presence of our angel in heaven.
Intuition tells me I was pregnant with a boy, but there's no way of knowing for sure. The day will come when we have more answers. But for now, I thank God everyday for our three miracles here on earth. Sometimes life doesn't go as planned, and for that, I'm forever grateful.
It's harder to write as I near the end of this 100 Day Project because the topics are closer to my heart and difficult to share.
I invite you along on this journey of 100 Blog Posts in 100 Days. There will be times of triumph and times of struggle, but I will show up through it all. I would LOVE to hear your thoughts along the way. COMMENT BELOW!
- CLICK HERE to start at the beginning of this journey
- Read the day I said Goodbye Furry Friend
- Support A Friend during their loss
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